Six reasons we sometimes need to say no to our children

It seems in this age that parents struggle increasingly to say no to their children. "No you can't have another biscuit". "No you can't have a mobile phone because Ralph has one". "No you can't stay over at Annette's place when I don't know the family". "No we aren't going to McDonalds tonight".  "No you can't play that online game any longer tonight". Parents vary in terms of their parenting styles along a continuum from permissive to more authoritarian, and I've seen fine young people emerge from families with quite different styles. But it seems to me that irrespective of whether your style is permissive or towards the more authoritarian end, all children do need to hear the word "No" at times.

Why? Here are my top 6 reasons we need sometimes to say 'no'.

#1  Failing to get something that you want, helps to make you more grateful when you do.

#2  We learn from failures, and by not always getting our way or the things that we want.

#3  Being told 'no' is arguably the greatest contributor to understanding the failures of others and developing empathy.

#4  Learning to accept a 'no' helps you to learn how to say no to others; an important key to self-control and preservation.

#5 Having people who love you saying 'no' teaches you a great deal about what true love is.

#6  Being told 'no' helps to develop endurance and determination.

Of course teachers can also have the same problems with saying no. Being able to say 'no' is a great gift from a parent or teacher to a child. But when you do say no it is important to remember a few basics:

• First, always try to explain why you are saying no. This will help children to grasp that you actually want what is best for them and that you value them.
• Second, be consistent! There is no point saying 'no' once and then giving in to the same thing an hour later.
• Third, never say 'no' simply in anger. Yes, at times kids make us angry, but your delivery of a 'no' should be delivered while under control and focused on their good not just punishment.
• Fourth, don't allow your children - when faced with a no - to engage in a debate; they need to respect your authority as a parent and your right to say no.
• Fifth, don't allow your children to work one parent against the other. In my family a no to one parent was enough. You need to shut down this type of manipulation by not allowing the child to split parent opinion down the middle.

Good luck saying no.

Corporal Punishment in Schools: Can it be Justified?

Kevin Donnelly, the co-chair of the Australian Federal Government's national curriculum review has backed the use of corporal punishment for ill-disciplined children in schools as long as the local school and community supports it. Not surprisingly, there has been widespread comment in Australian media.

I'm old enough to have experienced 'corporal punishment' in the school. In fact as a young child I had been caned 39 times by the time I reached 3rd grade. I have interesting memories of it. First, my most vivid recollection is of the keen rivalry I had with another boy who was caned almost as much as me (he was the school principal's son!). I saw each episode as another increase to my tally. Second, I recall that it had very little impact on my behaviour.

My behaviour began to change in grade 4 when I had a male teacher who took an interest in me as a person. He saw a child with potential beneath the grubby appearance and belligerent attitude. He set about engaging me as a learner. He made me the monitor for all sorts of jobs like being the incinerator operator (couldn't do that with health and safety rules today). But eventually he tried to engage me as a learner. He knew I could read, was good at spelling and found maths easy but he also knew I was a great underachiever and when distracted was a pain in the neck.

When the school purchased an aquarium and tropical fish that were placed in our classroom. I can still recall Mr Campbell handing me a book on tropical fish one day and saying, "I'd like you to study the book, and when you're finished come back and give the class a talk on tropical fish". This was my first public presentation and the beginning of a deep interest in creatures of the waterways and oceans.

I was caned once that year, late one day when the principal was wandering down the verandah and spotted me through the window as we packed up to go home for the day. I was jumping about and messing around with his son as we waited to file. He pulled us out and caned us both in front of the class. I think this was the last time I was ever caned, but it wasn't fear of the cane that changed me, it was Mr Campbell seeing potential in me and engaging me as a learner.

I'm thankful that corporal punishment had no long-term impact on me. Other children have not been as fortunate.

Above: Awaba Public School where I taught in the 1970s when it was a one-teacher school

When I grew up I became a teacher and I think my childhood experiences helped to me make me a better teacher. One of the life lessons I carried into the classroom was that no discipline should ever be done in anger. Anger always needs to be kept under control. But more than this, if you need to use physical punishment with a child you have probably lost the battle to teach them self control. Just as important as this, you may have lost your ability to nurture and engage them. I didn't use physical punishment with children. I'm glad that receiving it myself as a child helped me to see that is was less helpful and effective than my teachers and parents imagined. By the 1980s and 90s in Australia it was no longer allowed in any form in classrooms within public schools. The major exceptions to this are that independent schools in many states are still allowed to impose corporal punishment with the approval of parents, and in the Northern Territory there are no restrictions.

I think Kevin Donnelly has it wrong.  Good teachers change children as they develop love and respect for their students and want the best for them. It seems to me that this is the starting point for effective teaching and parenting not corporal punishment.

You can read more and listen to Kevin Donnelly's comments HERE